The Past is the Past

The Past is the Past

December 29, 2016 @ 10:20am

I had such a strange dream last night. It was like I was on a journey, trying to get somewhere. I believe that somewhere was to my professional goals because of the clues that popped up along the way. I ran into individuals who were acting as either guides or hindrances. One of the people I ran into was Alfre Woodard. She was dressed in a plumber type outfit and she was deep underground working with her crew to keep something from happening that would have severe consequences for the planet. I have no idea what exact significance she held in my dream but I do know that she is an actress that I highly esteem.

I also ran into my daughter. I ended up at some school where she was working on an art project. She was combining photography with cinema and performance art. (That actually sounds like something she would do.. lol) I was the star of her project and I was singing and acting and doing all sorts of performance things. I remember specifically listening to the play back on my singing and thinking to myself that it was decent. Not in the way that I was admiring myself but as a perfectionist letting go of the small errors I heard and being ok with the art and choosing to believe in the process.

The strangest person that I ran into was from waaaaaaay back in the day and it’s someone that I don’t think of often although he had a pretty significant impact on my life. I used to take and then teach Tae Kwon Do when I was a teenager. This person, my master instructor, was always pushing me to be better and it was through martial arts that I gained quite a bit of self-awareness and confidence. As fate would have it, he also worked in the movie industry and he once tried to get me into the biz. He made a special appointment to bring in what I believe was a casting director to see my stuff. I remember how petrified I was because I knew there was a lot riding on it and being in the film industry had always been my dream. My master instructor had chosen a more complicated form that included some pretty difficult spinning/jumping kicks to show me in my best light. We both knew that I could do them because I’d done them repeatedly in class. When I got to the first high-level kick I completely chickened out and changed the kick into something less difficult. To this day, I don’t know why I did that. It’s like I just lost faith in myself entirely. I remember the look of disappointment on my master instructor’s face because he knew I had altered the form. I then began to mentally spiral instead of being present in the moment. I remember feeling my movements change. I wasn’t giving it all I had because I was focussing on the disappointment that I felt in myself. I couldn’t even make eye contact with my two-person audience. My lack of confidence killed it and in the end, I was not chosen for the opportunity.

I gave all that back story because I think the reason that he showed up in my dream was to be that motivating force he was so long ago. In the dream, he kept hugging me and looking at me with that, I-know-you-can-do-more expression that he shot me so many times as a youth in his dojo. He always had faith in me and felt frustration that I often struggled with having faith in myself. I think this intense dream came about because I’m struggling with some self-doubt and fear at the moment. I accomplished something pretty big this year by changing my life completely and pursuing my truest passions. I think my censor is popping out and trying to mess with my conviction to continue down this path. Instead of focussing on the amazing accomplishments of the past few months such as landing roles, building my art website and being at peace with my professional self, I seem to be focussing on all the things I messed up. That dream gave me a much needed kick in the pants and I woke up today determined to change my focus entirely. By that I don’t mean focussing on the good things that I accomplished this year. I mean changing my focus from the past to the future. I can’t change anything that is already done but I can lay down a foundation for a great upcoming year and that’s exactly what I plan to do. As the singer/songwriter Jimmy Buffet says, “Breathe in. Breathe out. Move on.”

I’ll keep ya posted!

December 29, 2016